My friends.....sister

Just got back from playing cards with Cassie and family at her mom's home. It was nice to relax, laugh and learn how to play "Phase". This card game requires you to match certain things each time you play. It starts from 10 and work down to 1. I learned fast and almost won, however it took more than 2 hours to play. We, of cause, talk jokes, laugh, eat and drink until 9pm when we went our way home.

It was nice to spend time with them and to value the friendship we have together. We are like sisters, Cassie and me, and I do appreciate her so much. She has shown me how to grieve, laugh, and love again. That life goes on in spite of the storms coming your way. I enjoy her company as she is honest with me and cares so much how I feel.

I will forever treasure our relationship and will learn just by watching her. She has been a rock in my life, one that I can trust to stand on in the midst of an earthquake. I do love her

Just for laughs

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' 'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: 'Husband Wanted'. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:'You can have mine.'

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .

A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?' Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

Then there was a woman who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.'

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!' Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

'A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom to understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for Patience for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!! Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.' The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.

I have laugh today, I had fun! Today in spirit week at school we had "Super Hero " day and I went as NO HOMEWORK WOMAN. I made my cape, mask and had little school books on my close with the ring and line through it. I carried a giant pencil (my weapon) and lot of small erasers that I threw out to students. Of cause they loved it and cheered me on to win. Another teacher Cleaning Woman, was tied with me for the win so we had to do a dance off. Oh yeah..... I was in a dance battle today and with "Staying Alive " song on I went to disco town. I put all the moves on her and even did a knee slid ( I bruised it too) and I won in the end. It was great to win and act silly for a while. The students said they did not know I could move like that and of cause I did not know either.

We need days like that in our lives, it is to short and already filled with trouble. I intend to enjoy as much as I can for as long as I can. It feel so good to laugh and I had forgotten how to do it but today was a great reminder. Let go and laugh.



Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face

Getting Old

Today we had 2 games, volleyball and basketball, teachers against students. Man, I now know how old I am. I remember the days when I could play all day and not feel a thing. Even though we won our games, I think I hurt in places where I didn't think could hurt.

I am an active person and think I could match up with almost anyone but today prove me wrong. I need to accept that I am older and slower. That I do need to sub out of the game to catch my breathe and I need water breaks, lots of break! Ha.... I laugh when it takes me longer to get to the ball, I mean I see it coming and my mind says "RUN" but my feet are not moving. That was awakening.

Life continues to move on, where I was once firm and tight I am now slack and dropping but I am alive and trying to enjoy what I have. It is an honor getting old, hopefully wisdom will come along for the ride. I am grateful that God has given me this time to grow not only old but in grace.

The joy of the Lord is my strength!!

DC# 3 Anger

Tonight at my divorce care meeting we discuss ANGER and believe me I am filled with it. I have learn that we all handle it differently and I really need to get a handle on mines. It is said that anger roots deeply, grow quickly and choke the life out.

There is unhealthy anger, you know the ones where you take a bat to something or someone, passive aggressive response and the suppressive ones. In dealing with anger the healthy way we talk about assertive approach ( when you do what is right in spite of), dropping it and leave it to God. In the end, to deal with, to handle it, to overcome it you MUST put your trust in God, read the word and claim his promises.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling an d slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgive you.

PJs

Today was PJ day at school. We are in Spirit Week and each day we get to come to school dressed as the theme, pj day, nerd day, super hero day, the 80s. It was nice to feel so comfortable, soft slippers and warm house coat.
The students enjoyed it of cause and it was between me and another teacher to win but he did in the end. It takes the edge off and you get to have fun with the students for a while. I enjoy this type if change, we should do this more often.

What can you do.

As I hug a friend in church today she whispered in my ear " I am like you now". I wondered what she meant when she confirmed that she is getting a divorce. I was sadden and begged her to reconsidered as it is not a pleasent place to be. She assures me that she has tried everything, but the choice is still comes back to the same.

I don't understand why our marriages can not stand the test of time, why we can't work it out, do what ever it takes to stay together. Is it the distractions in life, is it the contentment with life, is it that we just don't care anymore or is it that we don't have to try if we don't want to.

I look at my parents, my ex in-laws, people of my mother's generations who can boost about 20 years, 35 years 50 years of marriage. That in spite of life turns and trails they are still celebrating wedding anniversaries. How is this possible then and not now. What has changed so much that it no longer works. I really can't find the answer.

I wonder if this is a disease, an epidemic, how can we change this, how can we leave guide lines for those marriages that are in trouble. Can we point them onto the right path, what advices can we give them to keep on trying.

I just wish I had a magic wand to make things ok but I know they only way for all of this to work is trusting in God. Honestly, if it had not been for God in my life I don't know how I would have made it. There were and still are days when there is no one, nothing to lean on then I remember God and his love. He has been there for me from the beginning and I will never let go.

Did nothing

You know when you don't feel like doing anything..... well today was that day for me.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

I really try to understand the way life comes at you. You think you have everything under control, you think you are calling the shots, making the plays only to find that it has nothing to do with you and you are only a piece in this great game of chess.

If I could live my life quiet, in peace and enjoying each day, then I will be a happy camper but it is not like that at all. I am confronted with turmoils, troubled with confusion and as indecisive as one could be. At times I don't even know what I want to eat for dinner.

I do know that I intend to fight through this fog of life and come what may I will be victorious. I am so tired of being defeated and pushed aside by the storms of life. I guess when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired you will do something. Believe me I am sick and tired.!

Alone ?

I stayed home yesterday because I had some crappy cold. It was nice to stay in bed longer than I would have. I hate however the feeling of being sick and I now experience what it means to be sick and alone. There was no one to bring me hot tea, hot soup, rub my back, give me pills, pull my blanket, sing to me....no one!

Today I feel much better, back to school and it was nice that my students missed me and was concerned about me being sick. They offered to help carry my books, clean my board, bring me water, get me tissue... that was nice.

I am not really alone.:-)

DC #2

My 2nd meeting at my divorce care group.

The lesson was on "Divorce is like grief," the lost of something special in your life. It was hard and it hurts like it was death. The death tells you that all your plans, dreams, goals, hope for the future are gone. That you are no longer two but one, a torn one. When two get married they become on flesh and when you divorce the two separate.. only that they do not separate, they are torn apart. Have you ever seen a torn meat from an animal, it is never on a dotted line, it is never neat or right down the middle perfect, NO!! it is ripped, zig-zag with dripping edges.

You now have to realize that you have to change your thinking. When you use to think and do for two you now have to do it all for one, you are now single and me at 40 + years old now have to do that and it sucks. Healing from this will take time a lot of time and I am just beginning. A lady in my group says she gets 2 hrs sleep each night because she is afraid to sleep alone, that she doesn't think she could face her future alone, she might have to find someone,anyone to help fill the frighting void. I don't recommend that "from the pot into the fire" is where she will end up.

My father has been dead for over 25 years and it still pains to think about him, that he is gone never to return. Is that how it will be I was told that as the years go on I will think about him less and less and that is hope at least for me. I asked the group will he ever feel the pain and know he was the one who step outside our marriage. One man said why am I concern if he will get his, he is no longer my problem and that is between Winston and God. He is right and I should spend my time on me and look to my future and leave Winston alone.

I feel like the kids in the car on a long long road trip, asking dad " Are we there yet?"

Our Black President

What a day!!!! President Obama,
Wow..... who would have ever thought this day would come and in their life time. I am so proud to be a part of this great history for the black people of the world. This event is a world event and not only the United States. I have my TV on in my class and my students are very interested ( they are all white). Even though they are only in 6th grade they do understand the change that is happening and the excitment behind it. Of cause they are filled with questions but only time will tell what type of president he will be.
I don't agree with everything he is for and his religion is of concern to me but I guess we are to be ever so watchful and continue to pray.

Mood swings

I want to apologize for the pity parties I have in my blog. I don't like when I get into those moods and express them in my writings. I convince myself it is therapeutic, that it helps me "get over things" but I am not sure. My emotions are so extreme ever since I got my divorce and I don't know what to do.Some days I am filled with confidence, assurance and fortitude and then there are days when I feel defeated, unworthy and depressed. How can one person exhibit such mood swings, how can one put a handle on things.
This is new to me and I like to be one who can control my emotions but it is a learning process and I am a slow learner. So bare with me, pray for me and trust that I am working it out for my good.

Alone

Living alone I have discovered to be quite a challenge. It is a false sense of silence, relaxation and peace. I mean you would want to be alone at times and maybe the atmosphere makes you relax a bit but honestly I do not like it. I am a social person, I love to talk and laugh and coming home to an empty house is not what I look forwards to. My girls are gone, I no longer have a man and very few friends. I do not invite people over or hang out anywhere. How can I change that, how can I make that steps to get out there and discover there is a world full of social people.

This journey that I am on has lead me to find out who I am and what I need to work on. I guess that being alone exam you from the inside out and show you really don't like about yourself. I am starting to understand me, what I am all about. I want to change, to be a better person. I am learning to make the adjustments to my life and cut away those things I no longer need. I will get better and I know it is just a matter of time.

Getting away

Getting away really was the medicine I needed. I went to my friend's home ( Cassie) for a night, even though it was an hour drive, in the country, once there everything else pale in comparison. To sit with long time friends, to eat, drink and relax was really nice.

Her kids call me auntie ( they are very white and I am not) they run to hug and kiss me. They don't see color, they don't care if I am divorced, they still love me for who I am and that's such a great feeling.
I like getting away, I must do this often even if it means flying.

The number 9

9 in the bible means "rebuilding".
Wow, I now know where I am, in the stages of rebuilding my life in 2009..................................... the year of rebuilding!

My friend....Cassie

I am so looking forwards to this weekend. I plan to drop Tnoya to the airport, she is going to visit friends in New Orleans and then go to Cleveland ( 1 hrs ) to spend a day or two with Cassie a very dear and special friend. We are like sisters, having her in my life has been such a blessings and to see how she handles life is nothing short of amazing.
To hang around her and her family this weekend will be exactly what I need, to forget my heartaches, worries and anger and just to relax and laugh for a change.
We have great talks, lots of laughs and bundles of food. She reminds me that in spite of hard times and changes,we learn to survive, cope and that life goes on. She has lost a young son, divorced, relocate, remarried,hates her job,mother of a step-son and yet she finds time to encourage me, to lift me up and to reassure me of hope. What a friend.

1st meeting

Tonight was my first night to the divorce care group meeting. It started at 6:30 -9:30pm. I was surprised how comfortable they made the room, it look like your living room at home, very inviting. We had about 10 people there and of cause most of them were women. I was of cause comfortable and eager to find out who was like me and you know what, they all were.

Some were married for 17 yrs, 29yrs,74 days. Some husbands were ministers, soldiers,CEO. They had children, grandchildren, stepchildren. Not surprisingly most of them had husbands who had affairs.

After watching a DVD on what to expect and was given a work book we had discussion. I was glad to see others thinking like me, angry like me, in pain like me. We were black, white, brown, fat, skinny it did not mattered with divorce, it crossed all types.

I am happy I went. I want to be healed, I want to move on. You know it says it takes 5 years to get over divorce, that's a long time when you are fighting with your emotions. I felt the connection and I will be going back next week.
I want to be a better person, I want to live my life free of Winston and believe me, I WILL!!

Life has a way of hitting you in the face and making you think that you have really made a mess of things.

I feel as if I am going up an incline but can't reach the top. I fight the winds of disappointments, the storms of feeling defeated and gravity of worthlessness. I can see the top, I strive to get there but the struggle can be so hard. I am traveling with a lot of baggage,lost of a marriage, a home, a family, a future. I do realize that if I stop I will become contented where I am and stay there, allowing myself to believe that I have reached my potential and there is no need to go any farther.I refuse to settle for something along the way, I refuse to think " at least I can survive here, it's really not what I want but it's good enough".

I will not fall into that trap. I am made for more than enough.I am going to keep pursuing God, I am going to trust God to help me expand my horizons and keep believing for all that he has for me.

I am going to make it all the way to my Promise Land.

" I'm not going to settle for a little love and joy, a bit of peace and contentment, or for a small helping of happiness. No, I'm going to reach my full potential in God . I am going to start living my best life NOW!"

Love

Divorce affects everyone close to you—your children, parents, relatives, and friends. Your loved ones will have different responses throughout the divorce process, depending on their relationship with you and with your former spouse. They may feel sadness, disappointment, resentment, or anger. Their responses to you can vary from offering encouragement and support to showing meanness and blame. They might avoid you out of embarrassment or discomfort.

Sabrina Black says it is important to preserve the relationships with your loved ones to the best of your ability. She says, "Family members will often send mixed messages. You need to make sure you are being prayerful before God as you communicate with them. You need to keep in mind that the relationship is the most important thing. The goal is to love the other person, and as you are loving the person, you need to be honest with him or her."

God wants you to love people even when they have been unlovable, even when they have spoken against you, hurt you, or blamed you. This kind of love can be difficult because you won't feel like loving certain people. Ask God to help you with this. As a human, you cannot do it on your own, but with the help of the Holy Spirit you can learn to love with a godly love regardless of another person's response to you.

"Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8 NLT).

Life

Life is a coin. You can spend it any way you wish,
but you can spend it only once!

Changes

Thank God for weekends!!!!!!!
I am going to sleep at least until 11am tomorrow. I feel so drained this week as I have decided to make some changes in my life.

I have started exercising! yes, my 6th and 7th classes each day are P.E. classes and I have started a exercising program with them. I too am walking the laps, getting down and doing the leg-lifts, push-ups, sit-ups etc..... I have changed me eating habits and as hungry as I am for fast foods I refuse it.

I have come to realized that I need to take better care of myself. I am almost 1/2 way there in age and if I plan to be around longer I need to start NOW! Chile..... I went on the scale last night and was shocked to see how much I weight, even though I don't looked that heavy, I am. I am a divorce, single, middle aged woman who has to live for me. I need to get out there and be able to participate in the great out- doors and trying to do that fat and rolling "ain't gon work."

I am looking for great, pleasant outcome by the summer. I want to be 2-3 sizes smaller and looking good. I want to experience the best there is for me and I am going after it.

Dare to step out of your comfort zone today. God has so much more in store. Keep pursuing and keep believing. It doesn't take any more effort to believe and stay filled with faith than it takes to develop a negative and defeated attitude.

Give me a bat!

I know I talk about my divorce and my roller coaster feelings but this is where I can vent. Yesterday one of my students told me how she saw my ex-husband at Wal-Mart in the bedding section with a young woman, a white one she says. ....

Oh I got angry.Now hear me out first ok?.........

I was angry, very angry because I feel like he is all over town parading himself with his girlfriend playing house,with no hint of remorse, no hint of repentance, no hint of honor, no hint of knowing he has destroyed his family. But..... on the other hand why am I angry, we are, after all, divorced and he I guess has a right to be seen doing whatever he wants and with anyone he pleases, even if she is his student and 20 years younger. Why should it make any difference to me, why should I care.

I just want to get him in a room with a bat and beat him til I can't anymore!!
( i am not really violent)

I am still trying to work all of this out...... The road that is taking me to my destination appears to be filled with bumps and curves,...the unexpected ones but I will get there!

Stinks

I honestly hate divorce. Why is it that when you divorce the husband you lose your extended families, I don't think that's fair. In my depression the other day, I realized that all of my nieces and nephews on Winston's side are no longer my nieces and nephews, "technically" That was a blow and I sunk lower.
That very night, Winston's brother Woody called me to say Merry Christmas and through my tears I expressed my feelings where he assured me that his babies will always be my babies. What comfort, what relief. I'd grieved the death of my marriage and did not want to grieve the lost of them too.
This divorce journey has no comfort, no resting place, no refreshments. I do know that this too shall pass but right now.......IT STINKS!!!!!

1 down 20 to go

I survived last night with no TV...... yeeha. I thought I would not be able to make it. I got home around 3:30pm and had to make myself busy not to turn on the TV. Believe it or not I was in bed by 7pm. You know, it was not as bad as I thought, I listened to the radio, read and prayed. It was nice, it was quiet, it was rewarding. I felt that I made a choice and was able to stand by it. It is indeed a sacrifice, one that I know God will take notice.
1 down and 20 more days to go, I expect great break- through. I realized that somethings in order for it to happened will only come from fasting and prayers. God is so good and just to spend time with him without the interruption of the world brings me peace in the time of my storms.

What....? Strong hey:-)

" I am only one; but still I am one.
I cannot do everything, but still I can do something.
I will not refuse to do something I can do".

21 days of fasting and prayers

Today, my church introduced 21 days of fasting and prayers. I have fasted and prayed for before and knew what it meant. We as members ,took the challenge for revival, direction, renewal, restoration, and wonders happening in our lives and in the church. I have decided to fast my TV for those 21 days and anyone who know me know that is indeed a sacrifice.
This year I am looking for God to restore my life, open doors for me, bring me to a place that when I cry it is for joy and not pain. I am excited as I look forwards to what God has plan for me. I challenge you to take the 21 days of fasting and prayers and see what God will do in your life, I grantee it will be for the worth it all.

" For I know the plans I have for you" declares the LORD " plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

28th Anniversary........ no

Today would have been my 28th anniversary.......28 years of marriage. Of cause with Winston as cheap as he is we would have gotten Burger King and watched a movie at home. It is so sad, I would have liked to stay together for 28 more years but he refuses to give up the "other women" in his life. I can't understand a man almost 50 years old still doing crap like that. It is the culture where I am from, disgusting old men still "sweet-hearting" it makes me sick.
I did something very childish yesterday. I made Winston an anniversary card saying how I thought it would have been forever but because he couldn't keep it in his pants ( I put a picture of an old man and a dog,April together and a bolt separating another picture of a black woman standing along. (me). I then put into a gift bag a small box of grits, 1 can of tuna and a lime tapped to the can. Grits and tuna is his favorite breakfast so I send it to him and said enjoy . I know he does not know how to cook it and his white girlfriend so does not know how. I would give anything to see his face when he saw it all. I know, I know.... I should be much more mature than that but it was something I had to do.
TNoya said I must make it the last time because I am wasting my time on someone who does not care and will not remember important dates. Sadly she is right, as I realized that even though I was the victim in all of this I had to do all the changes. I had to leave the home I knew for a little 1 bedroom apartment, I had to pay for the divorce in full because he send no money, I had to go through the divorce myself, I had to say goodbye to my baby and pay her college fees myself and Winston on the other hand has done NOTHING!!! He never moved, he never gave me a cent for his children, he has stayed in his environment and has a girlfriend who is now living with him, doing what he needs so he never missed anything. I think it is so unfair that I have to face all this by myself and he is going on happy with life. No fair at all. I know I sound angry, yes I AM VERY, VERY, ANGRY!!!
Anyway, there are no more anniversaries but this is a new year and I am determined not to be or feel defeated,rejected and alone. I am trusting in God and he will see me through. I am the head and not the tail. I know I have choices and I can choose to cry in a corner or get out and be victorious.
I choose to be victorious!!!!!

Determined !

New Years met me in a club with friends, with drunken people, tongue a wars all around me and I wonder if this is where I should be. I would have been home watching tv or maybe to church at watch night service. I really did not feel guilty but surprised on how people did things with no remorse or cared who was looking. There was 2 young girls in front of me just kissing like crazy, in front of everyone, with no care!!!! Man I have been gone too long from the night life.
As I ponder on 2009, I wonder if this is the year for me, if this year I would experience happiness, I will cry less, I will accomplished success..... is this for me? Anyway, I am determined to make my life better, to strive forwards. I am going to claim this year 2009, a year of great progress for me!!!!