DC# 5- Loneliness

Our meeting last night was something I needed. I have never experience loneliness like the present, since I have become divorced. I hate it and it feels like you are existing in a world of one.

We talked about the causes of loneliness ( isolation,refection,don't feel valued,family pulling away,)
To know that loneliness is not a disease, that you tend to withdraw from people, you feel unworthy wondering if something is wrong with you. second guessing everything you do, you feel like a failure.
The consequences of loneliness (depression,promiscuity,anger,erosion of self-esteem,)
You develop a sense of anger, running to the next relationship, wanting to stay home and stay away from people. You end up looking for someone, anyone to fill that need.
The cures for loneliness ( Learn to be single,difference between lonely vs alone, avoid new relationship,trusting God)

The most important part I learn was that you need to embrace being single to know that you are separate,unique and whole. WOW!! You need to know who you are and who you are in Christ. That it is OK to be alone, God never said man should not be single , he said man should not be alone. To get to know God and his voice.

God is more than enough.

YES!

God is more than enough.

I am learning to be that confident, secure independent woman of God. To embrace being single, to enjoy making your own choices, not having to "get permission". To experience things in life that I put off . I like that, I am looking forward to do it all and just

Exhale........

Remember

I received an email from a friend who is in my divorce care group. She said she will not be coming back because she is too depressed to deal with it all. How she feels like running away and never looking back.

I was so sadden by her email but understood exactly what she meant because I have been there so much times. I often think about doing just that, not caring and just disappear. Some days you just don't want to get out of bed, deal with stupid people and face the fact that your family, spouse are no longer together. That you have divorced the partner that you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with, the security, the love all gone NEVER to return. The pain does not seem to go away and you can't find the answer. Oh... there is no light at the end of this tunnel.......but

There is!!

I know that when feelings come up on me like that I remember my children, how I could not make it without them and i have to be that strong example for them. I remember I am a child of God and I know that he will be with me in times of trouble, depression, sadness. Knowing this brings me back to getting out of bed and heading forward trying to make my life worth living.

Yes, we can run, we can cover our heads, but it is only when we remember do we get up, go on.

Belief

As I listen to my daughter in turmoil ,I struggle in what to tell her. I want to be the mom who can take all the concerns and confusions away, to supply her with the answers that she needs and to comfort all of her uncertainties. She is at a Missionary school where the discussion can up and her teachers and lots of the students believe that babies go to hell if dies as an infant or toddler. If they crawl to their mom's bag and take out her wallet, that's stealing and they will go to hell. This of cause made my daughter very upset and refuse to go along with their belief. She called my after 1am to voice her concern and wanted to know my views. I told her the God I serve will not do that, as a baby is not accountable at that age so it can't make a choice. She now questions her stay and if she should continue there with this as one of the issues she has a problem with.

I know that each religion/church organization have founded themselves on their own views and belief, interpreting the bible their way. That's why I see keep your eyes on the Lord and not people because they will fail you every time. I told my daughter she knows what her belief is and to stand on it. The decision is hers and I will support whatever she decides.

We all need to search the bible for ourselves and if in doubt allow the word to guide you. God knows and he say if you seek you will find. That he has the answer for everything you are in need of.
So don't fret, don't get too upset, just trust in him and his word.

At Sunday class this morning the subject was "Faith in Desperation". I wondered about that topic and know that I have been there many times especially last year. Going through a divorce was not a nice feeling and having to make choices on my own sometimes had my back against the wall. I felt the desperation, not knowing where to turn and what to do. Out of that I had to pull all the faith I had and trust that God will see me through.

We talked about the centurion, the persistent mother and the pleading father, all pleading to Jesus to heal their servant, son and daughter. They we so desperate for their love ones to be healed by Jesus that shaming themselves on public were not something they cared about. The ather told Jesus," I believe, help my unbelief." Even though he believed, he was not sure and was not afraid to say it. The soldier told Jesus just say the word and my servant will be healed. He know authority and knew Jesus had that also. The mother, my favorite, told Jesus that even the dog eat when the crumbs falls from the master table. In all of these Jesus said he had never seen faith exercised like that.

The word talks about faith as the size of a mustard seed, have you ever seen a mustard see? Jesus said just one mustard seed can move mountains. I strive for that faith always. In this walk of life things change and each day we are confronted with things and it is only thing that we help us go through is FAITH................. I say to Jesus:

" I believe, help my unbelief."

Get Up!

I don't know why I look forwards to the weekend. Maybe it's the sleeping in late, or not having to get dress. For me, it's the not wanting to be bothered by anyone or doing anything. I know I have covered this in divorce care group as depression but I want to see it as being lazy. I just want to stay home in pj's, and do nothing.

I know what is it and I do recognized that I would spend each day like this if I didn't have to support myself with a job. I think I only get up because I have to work. I have been invited out but search for an excuse to why I can not go and is happy when I don't have to lie.

I know this is not healthy, I know I need to get out of this. I am not sure why I am like this, is it the healing process, my recovery, whatever it is I would like to move on. I think today I will get up, clean my place, dress and do something !!

Black History Month

On Monday I gave my students an assignment, to find an African American who is an inventor and write a report on it. Today I got their papers and was surprised to find how excited they were to share what they found.

Sara Boone- invented heating furnace

C.J.Walker- 1st black female to become a millionaire with hair products

Willis Jackson - invented pencil sharpener with a plastic covering

I can go on but just to know that the every day things we use were invented by African American, and now to have an African American as president is even more amazing. When you now hear A.A. children talk about becoming president when they grow up is no longer followed by a smile, a light tap on the back or the words "maybe one day" you would know that is is closer than you think.

I have decided to give them this challenge each week as we are in Black History month and see what all they can discover and in the end appreciate the contributions made by African Americans.

DC #4

Last night in my DC meeting we discussed depression. It was very useful and allowed me to understand my emotional swings. The unconnecteness, profound sense of saddness, hard to concentrate, unforgiveness. I struggle with all. There were good tips on how to overcome, to be able to identify losses, put losses in perspective, learn from depression.

" What is more, I consider everything a loss compare to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things".

We learned about depression strategies, to eat healthy, catch negative thoughts, step over my feelings,eliminate untrue belief and forgive. Most importantly that Christ must be the center of my life. That I can not do this and be totally healed without Christ. He is my foundation in all of this and without him, without hope I can't get better.

" You can only do so much, so do as much as you can do."