Gravels on my Pathway

DC# 5- Loneliness

2009-02-11T13:49:00.000-08:00

Our meeting last night was something I needed. I have never experience loneliness like the present, since I have become divorced. I hate it and it feels like you are existing in a world of one.

We talked about the causes of loneliness ( isolation,refection,don't feel valued,family pulling away,)
To know that loneliness is not a disease, that you tend to withdraw from people, you feel unworthy wondering if something is wrong with you. second guessing everything you do, you feel like a failure.
The consequences of loneliness (depression,promiscuity,anger,erosion of self-esteem,)
You develop a sense of anger, running to the next relationship, wanting to stay home and stay away from people. You end up looking for someone, anyone to fill that need.
The cures for loneliness ( Learn to be single,difference between lonely vs alone, avoid new relationship,trusting God)

The most important part I learn was that you need to embrace being single to know that you are separate,unique and whole. WOW!! You need to know who you are and who you are in Christ. That it is OK to be alone, God never said man should not be single , he said man should not be alone. To get to know God and his voice.

God is more than enough.

YES!

God is more than enough.

I am learning to be that confident, secure independent woman of God. To embrace being single, to enjoy making your own choices, not having to "get permission". To experience things in life that I put off . I like that, I am looking forward to do it all and just

Exhale........

Remember

2009-02-10T08:52:00.000-08:00

I received an email from a friend who is in my divorce care group. She said she will not be coming back because she is too depressed to deal with it all. How she feels like running away and never looking back.

I was so sadden by her email but understood exactly what she meant because I have been there so much times. I often think about doing just that, not caring and just disappear. Some days you just don't want to get out of bed, deal with stupid people and face the fact that your family, spouse are no longer together. That you have divorced the partner that you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with, the security, the love all gone NEVER to return. The pain does not seem to go away and you can't find the answer. Oh... there is no light at the end of this tunnel.......but

There is!!

I know that when feelings come up on me like that I remember my children, how I could not make it without them and i have to be that strong example for them. I remember I am a child of God and I know that he will be with me in times of trouble, depression, sadness. Knowing this brings me back to getting out of bed and heading forward trying to make my life worth living.

Yes, we can run, we can cover our heads, but it is only when we remember do we get up, go on.

Belief

2009-02-09T16:37:00.000-08:00

As I listen to my daughter in turmoil ,I struggle in what to tell her. I want to be the mom who can take all the concerns and confusions away, to supply her with the answers that she needs and to comfort all of her uncertainties. She is at a Missionary school where the discussion can up and her teachers and lots of the students believe that babies go to hell if dies as an infant or toddler. If they crawl to their mom's bag and take out her wallet, that's stealing and they will go to hell. This of cause made my daughter very upset and refuse to go along with their belief. She called my after 1am to voice her concern and wanted to know my views. I told her the God I serve will not do that, as a baby is not accountable at that age so it can't make a choice. She now questions her stay and if she should continue there with this as one of the issues she has a problem with.

I know that each religion/church organization have founded themselves on their own views and belief, interpreting the bible their way. That's why I see keep your eyes on the Lord and not people because they will fail you every time. I told my daughter she knows what her belief is and to stand on it. The decision is hers and I will support whatever she decides.

We all need to search the bible for ourselves and if in doubt allow the word to guide you. God knows and he say if you seek you will find. That he has the answer for everything you are in need of.
So don't fret, don't get too upset, just trust in him and his word.

2009-02-08T14:39:00.000-08:00

At Sunday class this morning the subject was "Faith in Desperation". I wondered about that topic and know that I have been there many times especially last year. Going through a divorce was not a nice feeling and having to make choices on my own sometimes had my back against the wall. I felt the desperation, not knowing where to turn and what to do. Out of that I had to pull all the faith I had and trust that God will see me through.

We talked about the centurion, the persistent mother and the pleading father, all pleading to Jesus to heal their servant, son and daughter. They we so desperate for their love ones to be healed by Jesus that shaming themselves on public were not something they cared about. The ather told Jesus," I believe, help my unbelief." Even though he believed, he was not sure and was not afraid to say it. The soldier told Jesus just say the word and my servant will be healed. He know authority and knew Jesus had that also. The mother, my favorite, told Jesus that even the dog eat when the crumbs falls from the master table. In all of these Jesus said he had never seen faith exercised like that.

The word talks about faith as the size of a mustard seed, have you ever seen a mustard see? Jesus said just one mustard seed can move mountains. I strive for that faith always. In this walk of life things change and each day we are confronted with things and it is only thing that we help us go through is FAITH................. I say to Jesus:

" I believe, help my unbelief."

Get Up!

2009-02-07T07:19:00.000-08:00

I don't know why I look forwards to the weekend. Maybe it's the sleeping in late, or not having to get dress. For me, it's the not wanting to be bothered by anyone or doing anything. I know I have covered this in divorce care group as depression but I want to see it as being lazy. I just want to stay home in pj's, and do nothing.

I know what is it and I do recognized that I would spend each day like this if I didn't have to support myself with a job. I think I only get up because I have to work. I have been invited out but search for an excuse to why I can not go and is happy when I don't have to lie.

I know this is not healthy, I know I need to get out of this. I am not sure why I am like this, is it the healing process, my recovery, whatever it is I would like to move on. I think today I will get up, clean my place, dress and do something !!

Black History Month

2009-02-05T15:39:00.000-08:00

On Monday I gave my students an assignment, to find an African American who is an inventor and write a report on it. Today I got their papers and was surprised to find how excited they were to share what they found.

Sara Boone- invented heating furnace

C.J.Walker- 1st black female to become a millionaire with hair products

Willis Jackson - invented pencil sharpener with a plastic covering

I can go on but just to know that the every day things we use were invented by African American, and now to have an African American as president is even more amazing. When you now hear A.A. children talk about becoming president when they grow up is no longer followed by a smile, a light tap on the back or the words "maybe one day" you would know that is is closer than you think.

I have decided to give them this challenge each week as we are in Black History month and see what all they can discover and in the end appreciate the contributions made by African Americans.

DC #4

2009-02-04T07:23:00.000-08:00

Last night in my DC meeting we discussed depression. It was very useful and allowed me to understand my emotional swings. The unconnecteness, profound sense of saddness, hard to concentrate, unforgiveness. I struggle with all. There were good tips on how to overcome, to be able to identify losses, put losses in perspective, learn from depression.

" What is more, I consider everything a loss compare to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things".

We learned about depression strategies, to eat healthy, catch negative thoughts, step over my feelings,eliminate untrue belief and forgive. Most importantly that Christ must be the center of my life. That I can not do this and be totally healed without Christ. He is my foundation in all of this and without him, without hope I can't get better.

" You can only do so much, so do as much as you can do."

Crappy shoe

2009-02-02T16:06:00.000-08:00

I want to compare something.

Stepping in crap is not a nice feeling.As you raise your foot up you see it is pasted on the bottom of your shoes. It smells bad, smeared into the dents, curves, tracks of the shoe. It is nasty and in order for you to get it off, you have to stop, sit down, put your foot up, get a stick and scrap it off. Now some will come of easily but some that is embedded causes time and energy to get out. If all else fails you hose it down with water or throw away the shoe.

As in life, we are faced with problems, trails and tribulations. It gets to the core of our being,into the heart and it covers the emotions. It does not feel good, it hurts and bring on pain. In order to get out of this you have to stop, pray, and seek help. Now sometimes it will get you on the right track, it will make you fell better and offer you help but for those hard, painful ones you will have to place your life into the hands of the father. He will cover you, comfort you and shower you will his love. He repairs our life and make it new again.

I guess the moral of this story is : Watch where you walk,

Bahamian proverbs

2009-02-01T08:05:00.000-08:00

erry jack gat dey jill (everyone has someone)

ya gat a roach on ya bread (someone taking your man)

you make up ya bed ya ga lie in it (you cause a problem, live the consequences)

every dog gat his day (everyone have problems - today you tomorrow me)

you is ya ma chile (you look just like your mother)

tongue ene ga no bone (you talk to much)

you spit in the wind it blow back in ya face (what goes around comes around)

hand go hand come (as you give so shall you receive)

if you don't hear, ya ga feel (listen or ya ga get a beating)

hard head duck,don't make soup (if you don't listen, you will get a beating! - lol)

hungry make dog eat raw corn (if you hungry you will eat anything (forced to eat anything)

lose goat don't know now how tie goat feel (if you never been there you don't know - don't critize a man until you walk in his shoe)

pot calling the kettle black (me and you gat the same problems/concerns)

every day the bucket go to the well, one day the bottom will drop out (ya play with fire you ga get burn)

jump outta frying pan into the fire (from bad to worst) you know what ya gat)

what you do in the dark will come in the light (when you do things )

as you sow, so shall you reap (for every action there is a reaction)

you can't plant corn and expect peas(as you sow shall so shall you reap)

time and tide wait for no one (there's a time and place for everything)

Peter ene no better than Paul (when criticizing the other, you are perhaps just as guilty)

My friends.....sister

2009-01-31T19:55:00.000-08:00

Just got back from playing cards with Cassie and family at her mom's home. It was nice to relax, laugh and learn how to play "Phase". This card game requires you to match certain things each time you play. It starts from 10 and work down to 1. I learned fast and almost won, however it took more than 2 hours to play. We, of cause, talk jokes, laugh, eat and drink until 9pm when we went our way home.

It was nice to spend time with them and to value the friendship we have together. We are like sisters, Cassie and me, and I do appreciate her so much. She has shown me how to grieve, laugh, and love again. That life goes on in spite of the storms coming your way. I enjoy her company as she is honest with me and cares so much how I feel.

I will forever treasure our relationship and will learn just by watching her. She has been a rock in my life, one that I can trust to stand on in the midst of an earthquake. I do love her

Just for laughs

2009-01-30T08:14:00.000-08:00

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' 'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: 'Husband Wanted'. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:'You can have mine.'

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .

A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?' Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

Then there was a woman who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.'

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!' Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

'A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom to understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for Patience for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!! Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.' The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.

2009-01-29T16:18:00.000-08:00

I have laugh today, I had fun! Today in spirit week at school we had "Super Hero " day and I went as NO HOMEWORK WOMAN. I made my cape, mask and had little school books on my close with the ring and line through it. I carried a giant pencil (my weapon) and lot of small erasers that I threw out to students. Of cause they loved it and cheered me on to win. Another teacher Cleaning Woman, was tied with me for the win so we had to do a dance off. Oh yeah..... I was in a dance battle today and with "Staying Alive " song on I went to disco town. I put all the moves on her and even did a knee slid ( I bruised it too) and I won in the end. It was great to win and act silly for a while. The students said they did not know I could move like that and of cause I did not know either.

We need days like that in our lives, it is to short and already filled with trouble. I intend to enjoy as much as I can for as long as I can. It feel so good to laugh and I had forgotten how to do it but today was a great reminder. Let go and laugh.

Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face

Getting Old

2009-01-28T15:46:00.000-08:00

Today we had 2 games, volleyball and basketball, teachers against students. Man, I now know how old I am. I remember the days when I could play all day and not feel a thing. Even though we won our games, I think I hurt in places where I didn't think could hurt.

I am an active person and think I could match up with almost anyone but today prove me wrong. I need to accept that I am older and slower. That I do need to sub out of the game to catch my breathe and I need water breaks, lots of break! Ha.... I laugh when it takes me longer to get to the ball, I mean I see it coming and my mind says "RUN" but my feet are not moving. That was awakening.

Life continues to move on, where I was once firm and tight I am now slack and dropping but I am alive and trying to enjoy what I have. It is an honor getting old, hopefully wisdom will come along for the ride. I am grateful that God has given me this time to grow not only old but in grace.

The joy of the Lord is my strength!!

DC# 3 Anger

2009-01-27T19:11:00.000-08:00

Tonight at my divorce care meeting we discuss ANGER and believe me I am filled with it. I have learn that we all handle it differently and I really need to get a handle on mines. It is said that anger roots deeply, grow quickly and choke the life out.

There is unhealthy anger, you know the ones where you take a bat to something or someone, passive aggressive response and the suppressive ones. In dealing with anger the healthy way we talk about assertive approach ( when you do what is right in spite of), dropping it and leave it to God. In the end, to deal with, to handle it, to overcome it you MUST put your trust in God, read the word and claim his promises.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling an d slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgive you.

PJs

2009-01-26T12:44:00.000-08:00

Today was PJ day at school. We are in Spirit Week and each day we get to come to school dressed as the theme, pj day, nerd day, super hero day, the 80s. It was nice to feel so comfortable, soft slippers and warm house coat.
The students enjoyed it of cause and it was between me and another teacher to win but he did in the end. It takes the edge off and you get to have fun with the students for a while. I enjoy this type if change, we should do this more often.

What can you do.

2009-01-25T14:39:00.000-08:00

As I hug a friend in church today she whispered in my ear " I am like you now". I wondered what she meant when she confirmed that she is getting a divorce. I was sadden and begged her to reconsidered as it is not a pleasent place to be. She assures me that she has tried everything, but the choice is still comes back to the same.

I don't understand why our marriages can not stand the test of time, why we can't work it out, do what ever it takes to stay together. Is it the distractions in life, is it the contentment with life, is it that we just don't care anymore or is it that we don't have to try if we don't want to.

I look at my parents, my ex in-laws, people of my mother's generations who can boost about 20 years, 35 years 50 years of marriage. That in spite of life turns and trails they are still celebrating wedding anniversaries. How is this possible then and not now. What has changed so much that it no longer works. I really can't find the answer.

I wonder if this is a disease, an epidemic, how can we change this, how can we leave guide lines for those marriages that are in trouble. Can we point them onto the right path, what advices can we give them to keep on trying.

I just wish I had a magic wand to make things ok but I know they only way for all of this to work is trusting in God. Honestly, if it had not been for God in my life I don't know how I would have made it. There were and still are days when there is no one, nothing to lean on then I remember God and his love. He has been there for me from the beginning and I will never let go.

Did nothing

2009-01-24T16:47:00.000-08:00

You know when you don't feel like doing anything..... well today was that day for me.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

2009-01-23T14:01:00.000-08:00

I really try to understand the way life comes at you. You think you have everything under control, you think you are calling the shots, making the plays only to find that it has nothing to do with you and you are only a piece in this great game of chess.

If I could live my life quiet, in peace and enjoying each day, then I will be a happy camper but it is not like that at all. I am confronted with turmoils, troubled with confusion and as indecisive as one could be. At times I don't even know what I want to eat for dinner.

I do know that I intend to fight through this fog of life and come what may I will be victorious. I am so tired of being defeated and pushed aside by the storms of life. I guess when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired you will do something. Believe me I am sick and tired.!

Alone ?

2009-01-22T15:33:00.000-08:00

I stayed home yesterday because I had some crappy cold. It was nice to stay in bed longer than I would have. I hate however the feeling of being sick and I now experience what it means to be sick and alone. There was no one to bring me hot tea, hot soup, rub my back, give me pills, pull my blanket, sing to me....no one!

Today I feel much better, back to school and it was nice that my students missed me and was concerned about me being sick. They offered to help carry my books, clean my board, bring me water, get me tissue... that was nice.

I am not really alone.:-)

DC #2

2009-01-21T07:51:00.000-08:00

My 2nd meeting at my divorce care group.

The lesson was on "Divorce is like grief," the lost of something special in your life. It was hard and it hurts like it was death. The death tells you that all your plans, dreams, goals, hope for the future are gone. That you are no longer two but one, a torn one. When two get married they become on flesh and when you divorce the two separate.. only that they do not separate, they are torn apart. Have you ever seen a torn meat from an animal, it is never on a dotted line, it is never neat or right down the middle perfect, NO!! it is ripped, zig-zag with dripping edges.

You now have to realize that you have to change your thinking. When you use to think and do for two you now have to do it all for one, you are now single and me at 40 + years old now have to do that and it sucks. Healing from this will take time a lot of time and I am just beginning. A lady in my group says she gets 2 hrs sleep each night because she is afraid to sleep alone, that she doesn't think she could face her future alone, she might have to find someone,anyone to help fill the frighting void. I don't recommend that "from the pot into the fire" is where she will end up.

My father has been dead for over 25 years and it still pains to think about him, that he is gone never to return. Is that how it will be I was told that as the years go on I will think about him less and less and that is hope at least for me. I asked the group will he ever feel the pain and know he was the one who step outside our marriage. One man said why am I concern if he will get his, he is no longer my problem and that is between Winston and God. He is right and I should spend my time on me and look to my future and leave Winston alone.

I feel like the kids in the car on a long long road trip, asking dad " Are we there yet?"

Our Black President

2009-01-20T07:59:00.001-08:00

What a day!!!! President Obama,
Wow..... who would have ever thought this day would come and in their life time. I am so proud to be a part of this great history for the black people of the world. This event is a world event and not only the United States. I have my TV on in my class and my students are very interested ( they are all white). Even though they are only in 6th grade they do understand the change that is happening and the excitment behind it. Of cause they are filled with questions but only time will tell what type of president he will be.
I don't agree with everything he is for and his religion is of concern to me but I guess we are to be ever so watchful and continue to pray.

Mood swings

2009-01-19T12:30:00.000-08:00

I want to apologize for the pity parties I have in my blog. I don't like when I get into those moods and express them in my writings. I convince myself it is therapeutic, that it helps me "get over things" but I am not sure. My emotions are so extreme ever since I got my divorce and I don't know what to do.Some days I am filled with confidence, assurance and fortitude and then there are days when I feel defeated, unworthy and depressed. How can one person exhibit such mood swings, how can one put a handle on things.
This is new to me and I like to be one who can control my emotions but it is a learning process and I am a slow learner. So bare with me, pray for me and trust that I am working it out for my good.

Alone

2009-01-18T19:11:00.000-08:00

Living alone I have discovered to be quite a challenge. It is a false sense of silence, relaxation and peace. I mean you would want to be alone at times and maybe the atmosphere makes you relax a bit but honestly I do not like it. I am a social person, I love to talk and laugh and coming home to an empty house is not what I look forwards to. My girls are gone, I no longer have a man and very few friends. I do not invite people over or hang out anywhere. How can I change that, how can I make that steps to get out there and discover there is a world full of social people.

This journey that I am on has lead me to find out who I am and what I need to work on. I guess that being alone exam you from the inside out and show you really don't like about yourself. I am starting to understand me, what I am all about. I want to change, to be a better person. I am learning to make the adjustments to my life and cut away those things I no longer need. I will get better and I know it is just a matter of time.

Getting away

2009-01-17T16:33:00.000-08:00

Getting away really was the medicine I needed. I went to my friend's home ( Cassie) for a night, even though it was an hour drive, in the country, once there everything else pale in comparison. To sit with long time friends, to eat, drink and relax was really nice.

Her kids call me auntie ( they are very white and I am not) they run to hug and kiss me. They don't see color, they don't care if I am divorced, they still love me for who I am and that's such a great feeling.
I like getting away, I must do this often even if it means flying.

The number 9

2009-01-15T15:39:00.000-08:00

9 in the bible means "rebuilding".
Wow, I now know where I am, in the stages of rebuilding my life in 2009..................................... the year of rebuilding!

My friend....Cassie

2009-01-14T16:13:00.000-08:00

I am so looking forwards to this weekend. I plan to drop Tnoya to the airport, she is going to visit friends in New Orleans and then go to Cleveland ( 1 hrs ) to spend a day or two with Cassie a very dear and special friend. We are like sisters, having her in my life has been such a blessings and to see how she handles life is nothing short of amazing.
To hang around her and her family this weekend will be exactly what I need, to forget my heartaches, worries and anger and just to relax and laugh for a change.
We have great talks, lots of laughs and bundles of food. She reminds me that in spite of hard times and changes,we learn to survive, cope and that life goes on. She has lost a young son, divorced, relocate, remarried,hates her job,mother of a step-son and yet she finds time to encourage me, to lift me up and to reassure me of hope. What a friend.

1st meeting

2009-01-13T19:14:00.000-08:00

Tonight was my first night to the divorce care group meeting. It started at 6:30 -9:30pm. I was surprised how comfortable they made the room, it look like your living room at home, very inviting. We had about 10 people there and of cause most of them were women. I was of cause comfortable and eager to find out who was like me and you know what, they all were.

Some were married for 17 yrs, 29yrs,74 days. Some husbands were ministers, soldiers,CEO. They had children, grandchildren, stepchildren. Not surprisingly most of them had husbands who had affairs.

After watching a DVD on what to expect and was given a work book we had discussion. I was glad to see others thinking like me, angry like me, in pain like me. We were black, white, brown, fat, skinny it did not mattered with divorce, it crossed all types.

I am happy I went. I want to be healed, I want to move on. You know it says it takes 5 years to get over divorce, that's a long time when you are fighting with your emotions. I felt the connection and I will be going back next week.
I want to be a better person, I want to live my life free of Winston and believe me, I WILL!!

2009-01-12T14:58:00.000-08:00

Life has a way of hitting you in the face and making you think that you have really made a mess of things.

I feel as if I am going up an incline but can't reach the top. I fight the winds of disappointments, the storms of feeling defeated and gravity of worthlessness. I can see the top, I strive to get there but the struggle can be so hard. I am traveling with a lot of baggage,lost of a marriage, a home, a family, a future. I do realize that if I stop I will become contented where I am and stay there, allowing myself to believe that I have reached my potential and there is no need to go any farther.I refuse to settle for something along the way, I refuse to think " at least I can survive here, it's really not what I want but it's good enough".

I will not fall into that trap. I am made for more than enough.I am going to keep pursuing God, I am going to trust God to help me expand my horizons and keep believing for all that he has for me.

I am going to make it all the way to my Promise Land.

" I'm not going to settle for a little love and joy, a bit of peace and contentment, or for a small helping of happiness. No, I'm going to reach my full potential in God . I am going to start living my best life NOW!"

Love

2009-01-11T17:52:00.000-08:00

Divorce affects everyone close to you—your children, parents, relatives, and friends. Your loved ones will have different responses throughout the divorce process, depending on their relationship with you and with your former spouse. They may feel sadness, disappointment, resentment, or anger. Their responses to you can vary from offering encouragement and support to showing meanness and blame. They might avoid you out of embarrassment or discomfort.

Sabrina Black says it is important to preserve the relationships with your loved ones to the best of your ability. She says, "Family members will often send mixed messages. You need to make sure you are being prayerful before God as you communicate with them. You need to keep in mind that the relationship is the most important thing. The goal is to love the other person, and as you are loving the person, you need to be honest with him or her."

God wants you to love people even when they have been unlovable, even when they have spoken against you, hurt you, or blamed you. This kind of love can be difficult because you won't feel like loving certain people. Ask God to help you with this. As a human, you cannot do it on your own, but with the help of the Holy Spirit you can learn to love with a godly love regardless of another person's response to you.

"Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8 NLT).

Life

2009-01-10T11:29:00.000-08:00

Life is a coin. You can spend it any way you wish,
but you can spend it only once!

Changes

2009-01-09T14:20:00.000-08:00

Thank God for weekends!!!!!!!
I am going to sleep at least until 11am tomorrow. I feel so drained this week as I have decided to make some changes in my life.

I have started exercising! yes, my 6th and 7th classes each day are P.E. classes and I have started a exercising program with them. I too am walking the laps, getting down and doing the leg-lifts, push-ups, sit-ups etc..... I have changed me eating habits and as hungry as I am for fast foods I refuse it.

I have come to realized that I need to take better care of myself. I am almost 1/2 way there in age and if I plan to be around longer I need to start NOW! Chile..... I went on the scale last night and was shocked to see how much I weight, even though I don't looked that heavy, I am. I am a divorce, single, middle aged woman who has to live for me. I need to get out there and be able to participate in the great out- doors and trying to do that fat and rolling "ain't gon work."

I am looking for great, pleasant outcome by the summer. I want to be 2-3 sizes smaller and looking good. I want to experience the best there is for me and I am going after it.

Dare to step out of your comfort zone today. God has so much more in store. Keep pursuing and keep believing. It doesn't take any more effort to believe and stay filled with faith than it takes to develop a negative and defeated attitude.

Give me a bat!

2009-01-08T15:34:00.000-08:00

I know I talk about my divorce and my roller coaster feelings but this is where I can vent. Yesterday one of my students told me how she saw my ex-husband at Wal-Mart in the bedding section with a young woman, a white one she says. ....

Oh I got angry.Now hear me out first ok?.........

I was angry, very angry because I feel like he is all over town parading himself with his girlfriend playing house,with no hint of remorse, no hint of repentance, no hint of honor, no hint of knowing he has destroyed his family. But..... on the other hand why am I angry, we are, after all, divorced and he I guess has a right to be seen doing whatever he wants and with anyone he pleases, even if she is his student and 20 years younger. Why should it make any difference to me, why should I care.

I just want to get him in a room with a bat and beat him til I can't anymore!!
( i am not really violent)

I am still trying to work all of this out...... The road that is taking me to my destination appears to be filled with bumps and curves,...the unexpected ones but I will get there!

Stinks

2009-01-07T15:32:00.001-08:00

I honestly hate divorce. Why is it that when you divorce the husband you lose your extended families, I don't think that's fair. In my depression the other day, I realized that all of my nieces and nephews on Winston's side are no longer my nieces and nephews, "technically" That was a blow and I sunk lower.
That very night, Winston's brother Woody called me to say Merry Christmas and through my tears I expressed my feelings where he assured me that his babies will always be my babies. What comfort, what relief. I'd grieved the death of my marriage and did not want to grieve the lost of them too.
This divorce journey has no comfort, no resting place, no refreshments. I do know that this too shall pass but right now.......IT STINKS!!!!!

1 down 20 to go

2009-01-06T07:35:00.000-08:00

I survived last night with no TV...... yeeha. I thought I would not be able to make it. I got home around 3:30pm and had to make myself busy not to turn on the TV. Believe it or not I was in bed by 7pm. You know, it was not as bad as I thought, I listened to the radio, read and prayed. It was nice, it was quiet, it was rewarding. I felt that I made a choice and was able to stand by it. It is indeed a sacrifice, one that I know God will take notice.
1 down and 20 more days to go, I expect great break- through. I realized that somethings in order for it to happened will only come from fasting and prayers. God is so good and just to spend time with him without the interruption of the world brings me peace in the time of my storms.

What....? Strong hey:-)

2009-01-05T15:13:00.000-08:00

" I am only one; but still I am one.
I cannot do everything, but still I can do something.
I will not refuse to do something I can do".

21 days of fasting and prayers

2009-01-04T11:29:00.001-08:00

Today, my church introduced 21 days of fasting and prayers. I have fasted and prayed for before and knew what it meant. We as members ,took the challenge for revival, direction, renewal, restoration, and wonders happening in our lives and in the church. I have decided to fast my TV for those 21 days and anyone who know me know that is indeed a sacrifice.
This year I am looking for God to restore my life, open doors for me, bring me to a place that when I cry it is for joy and not pain. I am excited as I look forwards to what God has plan for me. I challenge you to take the 21 days of fasting and prayers and see what God will do in your life, I grantee it will be for the worth it all.

" For I know the plans I have for you" declares the LORD " plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

28th Anniversary........ no

2009-01-03T14:23:00.000-08:00

Today would have been my 28th anniversary.......28 years of marriage. Of cause with Winston as cheap as he is we would have gotten Burger King and watched a movie at home. It is so sad, I would have liked to stay together for 28 more years but he refuses to give up the "other women" in his life. I can't understand a man almost 50 years old still doing crap like that. It is the culture where I am from, disgusting old men still "sweet-hearting" it makes me sick.
I did something very childish yesterday. I made Winston an anniversary card saying how I thought it would have been forever but because he couldn't keep it in his pants ( I put a picture of an old man and a dog,April together and a bolt separating another picture of a black woman standing along. (me). I then put into a gift bag a small box of grits, 1 can of tuna and a lime tapped to the can. Grits and tuna is his favorite breakfast so I send it to him and said enjoy . I know he does not know how to cook it and his white girlfriend so does not know how. I would give anything to see his face when he saw it all. I know, I know.... I should be much more mature than that but it was something I had to do.
TNoya said I must make it the last time because I am wasting my time on someone who does not care and will not remember important dates. Sadly she is right, as I realized that even though I was the victim in all of this I had to do all the changes. I had to leave the home I knew for a little 1 bedroom apartment, I had to pay for the divorce in full because he send no money, I had to go through the divorce myself, I had to say goodbye to my baby and pay her college fees myself and Winston on the other hand has done NOTHING!!! He never moved, he never gave me a cent for his children, he has stayed in his environment and has a girlfriend who is now living with him, doing what he needs so he never missed anything. I think it is so unfair that I have to face all this by myself and he is going on happy with life. No fair at all. I know I sound angry, yes I AM VERY, VERY, ANGRY!!!
Anyway, there are no more anniversaries but this is a new year and I am determined not to be or feel defeated,rejected and alone. I am trusting in God and he will see me through. I am the head and not the tail. I know I have choices and I can choose to cry in a corner or get out and be victorious.
I choose to be victorious!!!!!

Determined !

2009-01-01T12:37:00.000-08:00

New Years met me in a club with friends, with drunken people, tongue a wars all around me and I wonder if this is where I should be. I would have been home watching tv or maybe to church at watch night service. I really did not feel guilty but surprised on how people did things with no remorse or cared who was looking. There was 2 young girls in front of me just kissing like crazy, in front of everyone, with no care!!!! Man I have been gone too long from the night life.
As I ponder on 2009, I wonder if this is the year for me, if this year I would experience happiness, I will cry less, I will accomplished success..... is this for me? Anyway, I am determined to make my life better, to strive forwards. I am going to claim this year 2009, a year of great progress for me!!!!

2009

2008-12-31T10:11:00.001-08:00

New Year...........Change?

Friends

2008-12-29T18:55:00.000-08:00

Friends....... they are more special than one would think. Today as I was getting a copy of my divorce papers downtown, a friend Elaine was in town and invited me to lunch, she explain it was her birthday and another of our friends Mary will be joining us. I was excited as I have not seen either women for a number of years. Once at the restaurant they each brought their daughters, Melody and Lisa, who I remember as little girls are now all grown up and in college. We had a wonderful time, catching up on the excitement and changes in our lives, laughing at old times and enjoy the food. After two hours we parted ways, promising to do this again.... soon.......
I had laundry to do so I headed off to do just that when another old friend,Dorenda called and invited me to dinner, as full as I was I jumped at the chance and went over to her house enjoying dinner with her family. Once again seeing her children all grown and wondered where time went. It too was really relaxing to visit with them.
As I labored taking my clothes upstairs, I thought how nice it isto have thoughtful friends, who want to include you in their family events. I do treasure my friends, some are far away but never forgotten. I do appreciate them all because even though my life have changes due to my divorce, I am still the same old Lorna to them and that's nice.

Reflecting

2008-12-28T17:06:00.000-08:00

Tneill left for school today, reluctantly because she did not want me to be alone. I assured her that it will be OK. I am the mother I am the one who is to worry, encourage and pray not her. I did not want to let her go but knew I had to. My worries for her and her drive (5hrs) alone to school is not too bad because I had a GPS installed in her car and it has worked to get her home safe and will do the same for school...... Thank God!!
I am always happy when she is here, we had a wonderful time being together, we had great talks about the future and directions in our lives, we laugh about the good old times, we listed our new year's resolutions and just sat quietly sometimes. We lightly discussed her father as she nor her sister wants to ever talk about him. With anger put aside, we are more sorry for him as he had no family around him for the holidays, I guess he relied on " friends".
I am praying, thinking and looking forwards to the new year and what is in store for me.

Alone

2008-12-26T09:59:00.000-08:00

TNeill is leaving on Sunday to go back to school. I know she has to but I am not ready to be alone. It is just that having someone around makes each day easier to handle.

A New Tradition

2008-12-25T19:52:00.000-08:00

Christmas Day !!!! It was very nice to say the least. Tnoya called yesterday and said she wanted to start a new tradition, a memory that we come over to her place and spend the night cooking, watching dvds and just relaxing with each others. So Tneill and I packed up the pots, pans, food, clothes etc and headed over there. It was really nice, we got pizza, hot wings and cokes whiles we watch Anchor Man and The Mummy #3. It was a nice night . I prepared the ham and mac for tomorrow and blew up the air bed ( uncomfortable).
Christmas morning came, I made their favorite tuna and grits, yeah we love that. I cooked the food and just watch Madea to laugh. I am so happy to be with my girls TNoya gave us our gifts and was so excited to see our expressions as we opened them. Thank you God for wonderful girls, I am indeed blessed. We then, with TNoya's friends, went to her job where we watched IMAX, The Light of Christmas, and then walked around at the Festival of Lights, it was a foggy night but it was nice, a happy time to forget the pain. After that we got our stuff and hug Tnoya, I did not want to let her go and she said I could hug her as long as I wanted, it felt so good, so right.
I did not know what to expect on my first Christmas being divorced, I don't know how I would have made it without my daughters who made that day one to treasure. In the end after I reflect on the day and thank God for all he has done, he place compassion in my heart and I texted Winston and said "Merry Christmas, Winston."

Feelings at Christmas

2008-12-24T09:09:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas Eve, I know there is suppose to be a feeling of giving, singing, rushing in the air..... me..... , I don't feel it. People are jamming the shopping malls, the banks, the last minute gifts getting. I have done nothing, participate in nothing. I am not sure if it is due to my divorce and knowing that things will never be the same on Christmas or if it's just because I don't feel like. I am not sure.
I did however promised my girls I will cook on Christmas day, Bahamian food, just for them. TNoya even said it was only us 3 so we can go to Golden Corral than to do Christmas dinner at home. Man... I thought that would be the lowest of the low. I guess she was only saving me the work but she too said it is not Christmas to her. I am so sad that the joy has been taking away but I do know that it will get better, we will learn how to make new memories, how to create an atmosphere of celebration. All is not lost and we will have happy times at Christmas again.

The gift

2008-12-23T08:28:00.000-08:00

Today I have to go for a copy of my divorce papers at the court house downtown. Can you believe you don't even get a free copy. I have to pay $5.00 for them to look up my case and $1.00 for each page they copy. I am not sure how it will feel, to see in my hands the papers that legally detached me from 27 years of marriage. I guess it will be confirmation for me, making it all real. I still don't like it and never thought this would happen to me but I know this is life and it was something had to be done in order for me to live life like how I should.
I was thinking of getting a copy for Winston and wrapping it like a Christmas gift and mailing it to him. I am sure this will be one gift he would keep.

Covered in Red.

2008-12-22T18:16:00.001-08:00

Even though I am off from school for the holidays I choose to work at the daycare today. They gave me the "after schoolers " all 16 of them. To say they were active and non stop conversations about Santa and their Christmas lists was an under statement.
Oh to be a child again, to live in the world where wishes do come true and Santa is real. To believe in a man who knows all about you, who delivers all of your desires and wants. A man covered in red, ready to forgive and knowing that he will reach that dead-line

Hey am I talking about Santa or Jesus Christ.

Memories

2008-12-21T19:21:00.000-08:00

Today I went to the church my ex-husband and I pastored for 6 years. I had promised 3 children there that I would come and watch them participate in their Christmas play. I did not know what to expect once I got there, after all, there were still members who remembered my ex as being a pastor and did not know what happened to us.
The now pastor and his wife are good friends of ours and she did invite me to sing carols with them and told the congregation who I was......a bit strange. The children did well and afterwards we went in the back to eat and pass out gifts. I did have a few members who asked me about Winston and what he was doing, I was able to slip away by pretending not to hear but had to sit by one who insisted on talking about Winston and how good he was. I leaned over and whispered in her ears "we are divorced". She was shocked and spoke no more.
The rest of the day got better, I spend it with an old friend, a member from the church . We watched a dvd, ate and just talk. It was a relaxing time and I enjoyed being away from home for a while. I left at 7pm and on my way home drove the route that we did when we pastored and I started to cry, remembering how we did those drives for 6 years,talking, laughing, singing with the girls all the way home. At one point, when we reached downtown, Winston would wake up TNeill because she loved to see the tall buildings, he would say "T'Neill the city!!!" .....I miss that, I realized that no longer are we going to be together, the memories will no longer be shared. I really do hate divorce, it destroyed everything!!!!!!!

A good day

2008-12-20T14:36:00.000-08:00

I could not believe I slept until 11:30 this morning, I was too surprised. TNoya and Tneill was with me and they awoke before me, never would I thought it would be possible. It was nice. We got dressed and went to get Tnoya's Christmas gift, a new cell phone. She was so thrill and very appreciative as to not want me to spend that much on her but I knew she needed it and I wanted to do something nice for her. She has always been there for me, checking on me every night, listening to me complain about my weight, assuring me that I did the right thing in divorcing her dad. Ahhhhh daughters they become your mother.
I then focus my attention to Tneill she too has been everything to me, she is a bit more compassionate and concerned when it comes to me. I knew she wanted new rims for her car for at least 2 years now so I told her we need to look and get her the set. She warned me that they are expensive but I was still shocked when we priced some ( $1,100.00-2000.00). She too felt like it was too much and said she did not want me to spend that kind of money. I told her we will continue to look and find something cheaper. My girls are good girls, never caused me a day's problem, never had to deal with stress over them. They deserve the best in life and I just wish I could give them all that they need.
It was a good day being with them, I did reflect on how sad it was that whiles we eat lunch in Apple Bees, laughing at silly jokes, their father was not there, missing out on the family togetherness. I wonder if he thought about us today.

School close......yeeeeeeeeha!

2008-12-19T06:47:00.000-08:00

It's the Christmas party in our class. Yes, the 6th graders were so excited to be at school today. There were hands filled with gifts for friends, foods for the party, Santa hats and the weii, halo,dsl and ipods. Man how times have changed. It was fun, to see the happiness and excitement on their faces. Of cause they had gifts for their teacher, I love Christmas, lots of nice little gifts from students. It really make those day when you wonder if you are in the right profession worth sticking it out. To know that in their Christmas shopping they thought about you and wanted to show their love, I do appreciate that so much, they are really little angels.
The students get off early today but we have to stay and clean up until 3:30pm and then my oldest will be taking me to a Rocket's game tonight. This has been a good day!!!

Goodness of God

2008-12-18T07:52:00.000-08:00

One more day before we close for Christmas break. The children are excited but I am even more. They are talking about gifts, shopping, food,late nights and just been able to hang out with friends and family. Just to sleep longer than 6am will be great for me.
This is a time of year to reflect on all the wonderful things God has done and is doing for us. My year was a hard, painful year. One I would not wish on my worst enemy but here I am, I have survived. God has been good, I have my daughters, my mom and sisters, my friends, I will live.
Just take the time in spite of it all and reflect on the goodness of God. He is the reason for the season.It should say Christmust than Christmas, for you to live Christ must be a part of your life.

Encouraging words for those in my shoe

2008-12-17T07:47:00.000-08:00

Divorce is like a tornado—ripping through your life, threatening to destroy everything in its path. The emotional whirlwinds bring fear, confusion, and despair, affecting you, your children, family members, and friends. You will likely wonder Why did this storm hit my life and why does it hurt so much?Dr. Jim A. Talley says, "The reality is that divorce is the most painful thing you can go through because it impacts so much of your life. There's no way around or easy way out. And everybody is looking for a painless way out of this whole situation." It is easier to clean up the physical damage of a tornado than the emotional damage caused by divorce.
"You may wish you could get through the pain quicker, but healing is a process, a day-by-day, moment-by-moment process. In order to experience any level of recovery, you must see it through. There are no shortcuts. But take heart, in the coming days and weeks you will see it is possible to heal and to look to the future with hope.
''For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'" (Jeremiah 29:11).

Yesterday

2008-12-16T07:51:00.000-08:00

I left home yesterday with a thin blouse as the weather was quite warm and by noon it was 40 degress. Texas is such a cunfused place, you really have to watch the news to know how to dress each day. It remains me on how life changes so fast and if you are not ready it will catch you by surprise, unprepared and lost. We feel as if we are in such control of our lives and future only to find that someone else, mighty is calling the shouts.
I notice the other day a church in our area with a sing about divorce care so I stopped in yesterday and got the information. They will start again for the new year and I really would like to attend. I am having problems in dealing or knowing how to deal with the Christmas without a husband and the family I have been so use to. To decorate, to cook, to buy presents, to hang out together is forever gone and that is something to comprehend. I am forced to make changes, after 27 years of the same things will be no more.It is sad, but I do have my girls and they will be with me at Christmas. I don't know how I would have made it this far and to know that there are some without family and having to face Christas alone.

Misssing my dad.

2008-12-15T07:55:00.000-08:00

December 11th was a sad day for me, it was the anniversary death of my dad. 26 years ago and yet it feels like yesterday. I really do miss him and the great role model he was for me. I am sad that he never met any of his grandchildren, they would have loved him as he would them. I hate the fact that his death was during the time of Christmas, that day he went and bought the Christmas tree, we decorated it just for him. I only wish God would take off December with death, it really ruins the season for celebrating.
Life is so unsure, you should live each day as if it is your last. I remember seeing my dad that day and kissing him goodbye as I left, we always did that and I am so happy I did because I did not know it would be the last kiss. I am so thankful he showed us how to live and love and even though his death was sudden I have no regrets for he gave us time to express our feelings to each other. I like that and have adopted his ways to teach my girls, we never leave each other without hugs and kisses cause it could be your last.
I loved him very much and thought he would be in my life much longer than he was but I know if I continue to walk in the faith I will see him again.

I love and miss you dad.

COLD!!

2008-12-10T14:53:00.000-08:00

Today has been so cold, I mean I do love cold weather but today came with rain. I had few reasons to go outside but when I did I was met with such wind of anger and force. The cold went right through my clothes and into my bones, wrapping me as if I was a Christmas gift.
And to top that SNOW in Houston,!!!! can you believe that. The last time we had snow it was Christmas Eve a few years ago and everyone in the neighborhood came outside to experience a rare event. I am not sure what this Christmas would bring but snow would be wonderful. I only wish I had a fire-place to complete the Christmas picture.

Time

2008-12-09T15:51:00.000-08:00

TNeill will be coming home for Christmas on Friday and it would be so nice to spend the time with her. You love your children but letting them go to make their own life is hard. As a mom you just want to watch over them and keep them close like a mother hen and her chicks but even a hen at some point allows her chick to venture on their own. How they grow so fast. I sometimes run into students I taught in 5th grade, high school, and they are now married, with children, divorced.... time wait on no one.
Yes it is evident when I see that I now have to dye my hair because of all the grey, I can't climb stairs the way I use to and I now refuse to get on a roller-coaster. Where has the time gone, what have I accomplished in the time I had, what doors will be open for me in the future, once again only time will tell.
Time, time, time, it makes us older, it makes us slower, it makes us forget....as it is said
"Time waits for no man"

Cold Weather

2008-12-08T17:35:00.000-08:00

I love this weather that we are now having, the cold wind, the clear skies. I love the blankets and long sleeve pj's you have to put on at night. The cold that hit you right in the face at the front of the door in the mornings, if you are not fully awake , you are then. This kind of weather/season just makes you feel happy and relaxed. I love it, to see the students in their many colored boots and jackets.( It think I am too old for boots but love to see them on the younger ladies.)
To hear the Christmas songs on the radio and to see the decorations going up all over the place. People are happier and less annoyed, I think it is the season. If there is one thing I wish could change during this time is that no one dies in December. It is a time for celebrations, joy, fun and happiness and a death of a love one takes it all away. I wish God can put death on vacation until the next year.

Let go, Let God

2008-12-07T12:24:00.000-08:00

As I taught Sunday class this morning, I reflect on how we want to do and have things on our own time and with our own conditions. To say you trust in God means that you must let everything go...fully. To stand on his words no matter how it looks or feel and to have that faith that God, and not you, is in control. We as human hate to give up anything that we can not govern. What a lesson, because many times I tried to fix things and in the end made it worst than when I started, Why is it that we can not understand or insist in doing thing our way in spite of the warnings.
Are you holding onto something that you think you can not live without, are you trying to fix a problem that is too big for you, or just refuse to do anything at all. I realized that God does not expect us to have a mind of a genius but a heart of a child and we should approach so.

Weekend

2008-12-06T14:10:00.000-08:00

This is one weekend I was looking forwards to. To sleep in and enjoy a good breakfast but it did not turn out like I plan. I did not sleep at all with a sore throat and was up most of the night squashing hot water a salt in my mouth for comfort, did not work. Tnoya came over and brought me halls. It is nice when you can just relax at home, stay in pj's and don't comb your hair. We all need a day like that, one when we don't have to think or act.
Christmas is coming so fast and I would like to home for the Christmas, Nassu Bahamas. I miss my mom and sisters very much and my need to be close is due to a great separation in one who I thought was an everlasting friend, was I surprised. I still don't think I will do any decorations this year, I had a friend Cassie who gave me some really compelling reasons to do it but I don't know.
I am so thankful to have such honest friends who stood with me through it all.

Back to normal

2008-12-01T12:44:00.000-08:00

Back in school and to hear the students talk about their Thanksgiving was great. I am so blessed to teach in a Christian school where it is ok to mention the name of God. My girls are gone, back to their homes and all has return to normal. It is quiet again, but I do miss them. I don't know how one can make it being alone with no one to fellowship with.
I have also decided not to do any decorations for Christmas. I am not buying any tree this year. I don't feel the spirit of Christmas as this will be my first away from the "home and husband " I knew.

Blogging 1 year already!!

2008-11-28T10:41:00.000-08:00

I have just notice that my first entry was around Thanksgiving of last year since I have been blogging. As I look back on the year I have encountered major changes in my life. TNeill left for college, I am divorced, in a 1 bedroom apt. and trying to understand how are we to grown because of our changes.
I look as life dishes out so many gravels we can either sit and remain miserable in our despair or get up and turn those gravels into solid rocks. I have decided that in spite of the curves and bump I will move onward, forwards and upwards. I expect great blessings, open doors, opportunities that will propel me to another level. One that shows me how to live and enjoy the victories, to understand the defeats and correct the mistakes.
As this 2nd year of blogging begins, I pray that something I will say would be positive, encouraging and maybe life changing for someone.
"When given lemons, make lemonade"

A nice day

2008-11-27T20:31:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving was nice. TNeill stayed home in bed, she was sick and Tnoya and I enjoyed dinner with friends. It was nice to fellowship with old friends and just sit and laugh. It was nice to talk old stories and not have to worry about anything. A nice quiet evening. I love to be with friends who accept me as I am. Of cause Winston was mention, wondering where he went if any. I know he loves turkey and stuffings but he has cut so much people that he must have stayed home. How sad, no meal of thanksgiving, no friend to go to, no family how sad, how sad, but that's the "bed he made".
I am thankful, so very thankful because in spite of the hardship of divorce this year I am alive and have my girls and looking forwards to see what God has in store for me.
Ready, Set Go!!!!!!!!

My girls-that's Thanksgiving to me

2008-11-26T19:41:00.000-08:00

Today was a good day, no work and both daughters came over. Tneill is home from school and Tnoya took the day off. Nothing is better than family and to spend time with my girls is the Thanksgiving I love. We go over to a friend tomorrow and I am looking forward to the food, I cook "nothing".
As life goes on, one can only hope that God will open doors to happiness and blessings. I know that God will do it for my girls, they are really good girls who deserve the best in life.

A new Thanksgiving

2008-11-25T18:56:00.000-08:00

It is almost Thanksgiving, I am not sure how to feel as this will be my first Thanksgiving not as a family. This is one of many things that will change due to a divorce.I have my children with me but no longer a husband, we are not even friends.
Life is so different and every day a new challenge but I will make it, I am a strong black Christian woman who trust in God. I don't know what Christmas will hold but I guess it will be one Christmas gift less.

A Changed Life

2008-10-28T17:19:00.000-07:00

Since my last blog, I have left my house, moved into a 1 bedroom apartment, divorce my husband ........ Life has changed.
On May 6th I decided to leave my husband of 27 years. I have been faithful, supportive,loyal as a wife, mother, Christian and friend. I love my family and did everything in my power to keep it together. Yes, my husband and I had problems but it was nothing we could not handle if we worked at it together but my husband had different plan. He was having an affair, the 20th one, with one of his students 20 years younger and that was enough for me . Once his daughters found out they encourage me to step up and walk away. What makes a man throw away his family and marriage of 27 years for a lil fling? Please if you know tell me.!
Well, life goes on I am now divorce and on my own, my girls are living their lives and we have not heard from their father/my husband (ex) since the day I walked out. He showed no interest in fighting for his family, trying to talk to the girls... nothing!! no one has heard from him since and eventhough we had birthdays without hearing from him we continue to move on.
I don't know what life has for me, I am so sad this has happened to me but I do know the God is in control and whatever doors he open for me will have some type of happiness connected to it.

Come and gone!

2008-02-06T14:04:00.000-08:00

Man... it has been tooooo long. Since my last entry, Christmas has come and gone, family has come and gone and yes sanity has come and gone. Yeah... counting the days for school to close!!

My Valley

2007-11-27T17:17:00.000-08:00

Well, the family is gone, TNoya is back in Galveston and school is open. It is amazing how you can get use to sleeping late in only a week's time and now getting up 6am is a struggle. Thank God I only have 13 days before it closes again.

I am not sure I am looking forward to Christmas. This year I am in the valley of decision, I am tired, and to some point, frustrated. I don't want to shop, cook or put up a tress, it all seems like too much work for me. I keep coming back to my age and how I want things to be different, I don't want to find myself making the same mistake as I did 20 years ago, I don't want to struggle with the same crap as before. Life is too short and I am on the last half and I want to move forwards, upwards and onwards. I guess it is because my father died at the age I am now and I do realize how much he had ahead of him and how he worked himself and never found that time to relax and enjoy life. I don't want that and I struggle in finding the right balance in my life.

Seeing Red on Black Friday.

2007-11-24T06:30:00.000-08:00

In-laws are in town, met my 7 months old nephew Zaiah and he is a beauty. I am happy to have them here and the change is great. My girls are home and Thanksgiving was really nice. I do realized, whiles watching everyone eat and laugh from great food and embarrassing "old stories" how blessed I am and I paused to say Thank you.

Yesterday for the first time EVER, I attempted to go to the mall on "Black Friday". My Lord,!!!!! are people really serious? It was as if the mother ship finally arrived and people had to get the last shopping in. It was a toss salad of people, every veggie was represented. My mother in laws had foot surgery and so we had to get her a wheel chair, think of that with 100,000 people stampeding towards you. All of that reminded me of why I hate shopping so much, the rude people, the slow one, the rushed ones, the lines at the cash register, at the bathroom, at the fitting room, at the restaurants, even trying to park we were met with lines. There were crying babies, cell phone LOUD talkers, angry mothers with lots of children, husbands you could tell were dragged to this great event, slow old people who should have just stayed home and drink tea. Yes.... what an experience, one I hope not to try again. On top of all of this it was rainy, cold, and windy...... yes Winter is here!!!!!

Signs of the times

2007-11-19T10:39:00.000-08:00

I am off for Thanksgiving week, which I think I can enjoy once I get over this stupid cold. I am looking forwards for this Texas weather to change and for in-laws to come. Any change right now would be a good one. I do enjoy my in-laws in spite what other people say about "in-laws". They have always treated me like their own and never a harsh word, I am blessed.

You know what has surprised me this year, how all the stores and homes have by pass Thanksgiving and are already to Christmas? There are houses in you neighborhood that already have Santa, lights, tress decorated and in place. The stores are filled with Christmas supplies, what has become of Thanksgiving? Are we living in a world where to be thankful for one day is of no concern. I know the world has changed and just the simple, meaningful things in life are being pushed aside. We are so busy to make that next buck and fast as we can that we have no place to say "Thank you". I guess this is just one of the signs of the times.

Tomorrow my sister-in-law and I will be preparing for the Thanksgiving meal, she is a better cook and I am not into all that craziness especially after this flu. I am not sure how much I look forwards to Christmas other than the days off, maybe it would be one I will never forget, hopefully for the better. It is hard when you have a love one who died around Christmas ( maybe God should take December off for people to die) it is suppose to be a time of happiness and celebration. It is hard for those who have to celebrate alone because their families are so far away. Oh Well...... we'll see

Right here

2007-11-16T14:18:00.000-08:00

It has almost been a month since I blogged. Things have changed a bit, but I am not sure if it is for the better or worse I am still trying to figure that one out. School is closed for Thanksgiving, yeeeeeeeahhhhh!!!!! I have been in bed for the last 2 day because of the flu and awaiting my in-laws to arrive on Wednesday. It would be a nice change, to be with family, to see my new nephew from New York and just to relax and have a change of pace.

My dance and piano lessons have been going quite well, I have enjoyed being taught by my daughter who has awaken pains in areas I did not know I had but the class take me away to a much tranquil, ocean air sense of calmness.

Another B-Day

2007-10-24T17:58:00.000-07:00

I sat down the other day in my swing outside, it has been a long time since I did that. The sky was clear, sun shining and the cool air blew across my face, caressing it ever so gently. I begin to think about my life, where I have been, where I am now and where will I be going. Life has not being all that bad as I look proudly at my girls who has grown up so mature, responsible, beautiful young women, making a pathway for themselves. Now that they don't require my full attention, care and advice I stand not knowing where to turn. I feel naked and lost, I am not sure who I am. We as mothers invest our whole lives into our children and home ( time, money and effort) and when they are gone we are not sure what to do.... so guess what.... I decided to find ME !

On Monday night I attended my first (of many) adult jazz class. It was wonderful, of cause I ache in places I have long forgotten but I felt renewed when I left. It took me back to the days when dance was a big part of my life and how much I enjoyed it. The most amazing part of it all, my instructor is my own daughter, TNoya. Now is that not life in reverse, the student has now become the master. She was so proud of my efforts. I have also signed up for piano lessons at my school, yeah at my age but I am going to enjoy this new chapter of my life.

My birthday is tomorrow and I am thankful for life and families. I am not sure what this year will bring for me but I plan to get up and do something. It ain't over til its over!!

No more Candies!!!!

2007-10-14T14:36:00.000-07:00

The students find my classroom everyday, even if I don't have them and why, to see me ...no. It is because of the big candy jar I have on my desk. The come in smiling, stand there, look at me and then wait for me to say "Yes, just one" and then they are gone.

On Friday I had the fright of my life. I was giving my grades 6 & 7 an English test, the room was quiet and then... a student begin to choke. He had swallowed the candy and was in a panic. The class of cause was frighten and shocked. I went over to him ( calming ) and told him to stand, relax and I did the "Heimlich maneuver".( see watching tv in not all that bad) He spat up on the desk, I told him to go wash his face and take a drink of water. It was only after that did my entire body freak out. The children were amazed and clapped cheerfully for me but I was shaking all over. I always thought it would be my 3 year old class not my six grader. After this I am not offering ANYONE anymore candy!!

Confused....

2007-10-08T10:13:00.000-07:00

I am home on holiday today( Discovery Day)...great I can sleep in. Although it is a day that I can catch up with grading papers and cleaning house I am not one who stands behind this holiday.

I am from the place (island ) that Christopher Columbus really discovered and I don't think he needs to be celebrated. I have always said he brought nothing but diseases, disaster,

destructions to the native people. How can he claim ownership for Spain and say he discovered it when someone else was already living there.....explain that to me. He also came with men who were in prison in Spain that agreed to the adventure rather than jail. What kinds of havoc did they caused. He opened up doors for slavery so why is he celebrated I am confused.

Turning the page.

2007-10-03T18:01:00.000-07:00

Another day and I am still trying to catch up. I never knew grading papers took more than a day to do. As I run around trying to be everything to everyone, I am tired and only look forward to getting in bed and sleeping. I think morning comes too fast and it's a fight just to get out of bed. I do realized that life can be worst and someone somewhere would trade with me in a heart beat.

Volleyball season is over this month and even though I am glad that I have my nights and weekends back, I will still miss it. I have made up my mind to take Jazz lesson with my daughter Tnoya as my teacher, how life reverse things. I remember when it was me who held her little legs whiles she tried to do a cartwheel.

I am sadden that my best friend is getting a divorce. I want to cry because this is a whole family, split and heading into a different directions. She has lost a son this year and this is just the last straw. I feel so much for the children as they must be experiencing another kind of death, the lost of the father and home. I know she is a strong person and will be there for her children. I do realized that she deserve to be happy too and is it hard to stay a place where you feel as if you are on an island with no way to get off. I do know this was not easy for her and it still comes with much thought and pain. I hope I can be a better friend during this time for her. My sister's divorce is also final and although that was hard for her she has been a great example of Christ strength through all of this. We women have become so strong and determined not to be like mothers before who stayed in a relationship because of children, finances, security, loneliness, abuse but NO MORE!!! We can make and have made a stand that we will no longer take this crap!!!

Tooooo Long

2007-09-24T21:54:00.000-07:00

Yes, it has been to long since I last wrote, at least a month. Where do I begin to tell the story of how.... wait , that's a song. That is how things are for me, so crazy busy. I am back in school and it has not slowed down long enough for me to exhale. The classes, kids, lessons, test, grades, volleyball games continue to remind me of my age as I am feeling pains in places I did not know I had.

My family is in full swing, Tnoya is back teaching dance , this year she has 8 classes with adults and kids, I plan to join the jazz class when volleyball season is over. She is doing well and I am so proud of her, she had a cub (tiger) to take care of the other day, in her place ... at home.... I am not sure who child she is! Tneill is right in the swing of things, 17 hrs of classes, coaching varsity volleyball and still manage to fracture her hip whiles training. Yep!!!! ER, 4 hrs, ex ray,doctor, crutches and $770.00 later she is doing well.

I do realize that life stops for no one and things happened along the way to remind us that 1. we are not in charge, 2. we can not change things, 3. whatever will be, will be 4. Deal with it!! I feel if I take that attitude then I would have less stress and more sleep.

Back In School...1st 2 days.

2007-08-25T19:08:00.000-07:00

Well school has been opened from Thursday, I hate having to get up @6:30 but I will get use. It was an exciting 2 days, meeting all the students, giving out books and telling them what I expect in my class. It was a bit confusing for them but I think it will take a week or two before we are settled in. I am looking forwards to an exciting year. We had our first volleyball tournament out of town on Friday, off and running !!!! We did well on Friday won all 6 of our games, got back to school around 9pm, ate at Chilli's @ 10pm, too tired to go to Wal-Mart and in the end 6 of the girls slept at my house. It was fine because we just wanted to shower and sleep.

Saturday we were up by 8:30, @ school by 9 and playing out 1st game @ 11. We lost 3 so we got 2nd place. I did not think that was bad as we have just started and hope to get better as the days and games go on.

Spoke to my 2 sisters ( Tabby & Deidre) online the other night and it was so great to see my little niece on the webcam, it is amazing what we can now do. She was looking, touching, eating and of cause fell asleep in the end. I really do miss my sister, mom and their families. Being a close family is hard when you are so far from home but this is my choice. Just to see them, to talk, to laugh has always been such a medicine for me. I wish we could do more of it. It is times like these I wish I was home.:-(

Blessing

2007-08-18T19:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went with Tnoya and Josh to a car dealership, Tnoya needed a small reliable gas saving car and since she finished with her SUV ( gas hog) she wanted to make that change now. Macy, a student of mines mother is the manager of a Lincoln Mercury Dealership and she told us to give her all the information and she will work something out for Tnoya. So here we are on our way, of cause this place was 50 mins away but we went during traffic ( rush hour) and got stuck in all of that, plus TNoya SUV had no a/c.... and it rain....yes it was not nice.

Due to the traffic it took us 3 hrs to get there, once we did she had already left but had things in place for us. One of the sales person who knew nothing of the arrangement approached us and said "Hi and what's the problem". We looked at each other and said excuse me ( i guess he saw black and thought here comes trouble) Once he went into the office and realized HIS BOSS was our friend he was a different man, I could not believe the change,it was now " Do you want anything to drink?" yeah.... we belong there too. He was assigned to us and was never so sweet.

The car that they picked for TNoya was a PT Cruiser 2006 with only 3,000 miles. Gave her the keys and said see you next week. Tnoya did not like the type of car she felt it looked like a small hearse and it's black. She was not happy but began to reason with herself, saying that she prayed for any kind of car that will be reliable, gas saving car that will have no problems.... and that what God gave her. She felt that she looked like a geek or grandma in it but I assured her she did not. I think it is growing on her, she takes about how thankful she is. She really deserve it, she has worked so hard and needs this blessing in her life.

I am so happy for her, she has a car that I don't have to worry about her with and she can do all those long runs she has to make 4 xs a week to teach dance and driving home at night. We now have her car.....umm Winston has her car because he need one to get him up and down to Galveston and of cause I still have my "old faithful 260,000 miles 1996 van. I don't mind. Two days ago in the flooding waters on my street, I saw updated cars, new car all flooded, or parked on the side of the road and yet I pass them all........... God is Good!

My class

2007-08-15T19:23:00.000-07:00

Today I really got into my class, rearranging, decorating, applying,assembling, yes and I was ready. I arranged the desk to look like "Knights of the round table. I am trying to develop a positive, debatable circle. I have to change the posters and pictures on one side of my wall . Tneill said it look like what you would put on walls in nursing homes so..... I have to look for "slamming posters"... don't ask, I have no clue.

Having to teach English,Grammar and Literature will be a task but I am up to the new adventure. I have 7 classes ( 6 grade to 12th) I already have 2 massive books for each class and today I was given 10 more. I really don't see how I am going to get through these books by May, really...... I don't intend to. Now I have to sit down and prepare lesson plans for each day and I have not yet started. I am praying that I have a creative mind and can introduce to the student as fun yet mature way of learning. We will see...

Bitter/Sweet

2007-08-09T20:48:00.001-07:00

Were you ever in a position where it was a bad thing yet a good thing. That's how I felt today, my last day working at the daycare, my last day with my 25 three year olds. I was sad to be leaving them, they do leave a lasting impression on you but then I am so happy that I get to sleep later and be able to do the things I pushed aside because i was too tired to deal with it after a long day. Hey... did I say daycare workers are under paid and not appreciated.

I had promised to do something special for them so I made 25 "goodie bags" for all my 3 and 4 year olds. I had them color their white bags, put their names on them and filled it with cookies, candies, toys and of cause stickers. I told them at the end of the day I would be sure to give them their bags and you know not one child forgot. As their parents signed for them, they asked "Can I have my goodie bag now?" There was no good-byes, hugs or tears from them because it was my last day, only hugs to say thank you for their bag of candies.

This summer was a great experience, to remind me that there are still children who can be molded into great adults. That you can make a difference, life goes on and the sun does come out...... rain or shine, it does.

My last week

2007-08-08T19:41:00.000-07:00

It has been along time since I wrote. Things are so busy for me and it is about to get worse. I have started preparing for my classes ( ENglish) as school will be open on the 23rd. I have been coaching volleyball for more than a week now and still with the daycare." Praise The Lord!" this is my last week.

I am sure it takes special people to teach, watch and discipline 14 three year olds, thank God it was a summer job for me. I don't think people are aware of the great involvements this type of job is. You have to be watchful at all times, separate fights, change poopie underwear ( i gag) pat back at nap time, encourage them to eat their broccoli and fish sticks, mop up vomits,hug, kiss and hold because of sick tummy, "boo boos", angry mothers, sad and oops reports.

After doing that from 9-6, you then have to stop to the store on the way home, once home it is dinner to be cooked, clothes to be washed, house to be clean. How does one do it......I am not sure. I think these women are so underpaid and not appreciated by employers, parents, and family.

Yes, I am going to miss those running to hug my legs first thing in the morning, I am going to miss those way out stories about super heroes, Dora,little mermaid ( I can now sing the song, Whole New World). I will miss the tight squeeze at the neck, the sloppy kisses and the shouts of "I love you Ms. Lorna!" on their way out the door.

As I leave, I wonder as I look at them, what will they become in the next 5 years, the next 10 years. What kind of person will they be but most of all I wonder if anything I did or say made a different in their lives....... I hope the seed I planted grows into something wonderful!

Same old...Same old

2007-07-30T18:38:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since i wrote something. Same old, Same old....Different day, same crap..... Another day, another dollar. The rain have stop for a while and boy the sun came back with vengeance. It felt like 100 degrees today.I am not sure which one I prefer.

Volleyball practices are in full swing and my class room is coming together. Before we know it school will be open and another type of stress will begin. Life goes on, changes are inevitable,

and I am coping

The dim reality of Age

2007-07-20T13:37:00.000-07:00

At my age, I am just getting for the first time contact lens!! I went in to test my eyes for glasses but after waiting and watching older people sit and put their contacts in, I felt I could do the same. I hate the part when they tell you that a sudden puff of air will blow into your eyes so sit still and expect it. Of cause the anticipation leaves you more nerves than before. The doctor was really informative and strongly suggested contacts over glasses, was that for my benefit or was it her sales pitch for more money. I found out that my left eye can't see far and the right can't see near, and now I have two different prescriptions for each eyes and 2 different brands. I did leave paying more than I intended to.

As I left I have come to the conclusion that I am getting older and things are falling apart., the grey in my hair,loss of focus in my eyes, breasts going south, waist line disappearing, knees in pain and feet sore. Man.... I have arrived...old age!!!!

" Mean Girls"

2007-07-16T17:52:00.000-07:00

Today I watched as 4 of my 4 year old girls treat another little girl so meanly. One of the "mean girls" told me she did not like the new girl and will not play with her. I could not get any of them to at least try to play with her.

At first I thought it was because she was a new student, but in watching them I realized it was more than that. Her mother dressed he like her brothers and she has a little boy hair cut. This did not attract the other girls to treat her like one of them and they only saw her like a boy.

How sad, that at this age they already judge you by how you look and already know what and who they want in their circle. I am hoping this does not last very long and they will come around to find her as a wonderful class-mate.

Getting Ready

2007-07-12T20:43:00.000-07:00

Today I found out I am teaching English/Grammar not only to jr. high but high school......you know..... the ones with very big attitudes, mood swings,"whatevers". I have my work cut out for me. I am also the volleyball coach and we start training next Wednesday. I am praying we have a good team as my daughter TNeill ( who has won 2 volleyball state championships) work their butts off.

Posters on the wall.

2007-07-06T14:53:00.000-07:00

Today I spend about 3 hours in my newly assigned classroom where I will be teaching 6th, 7th, 8th grades English/Grammar/Creative Writing. I have in the past put up cute "bunny" posters on my walls but this year I know I have to be different. I have jr. highs students now, the ones with the up and down emotions, cell phones and "myspace." How do I put up poster that will encourage, motivate these young minds that when they step into my room they would want to excel, to produce, to dream.......yeah right!!

I really want this school year to make a difference for the students as well as myself. I am searching for ideas to entice the students to investigate, to research. I know they are from such different homes with different problems and jr. high I feel is one of the hardest time in school. I found some posters that have "Vision" " Goals" "Risk" "Faith" maybe there will be a change.

Stickers

2007-07-05T20:47:00.000-07:00

A rainy July 4th and 5th. I did nothing much. TNoya and 2 friends( co-workers) came over so she wanted me to cook "Bahamian food", which I did. They just got off work and was heading to the airport for Washingston, a co-worker is getting married this weekend. Of cause I dropped them off, praying God's traveling mercies on them all. On the way home I notice Tnoya's car tag and inspection was expired. These young people have no fear. You think she forgot on purpose? I did not want it to stay like that and I know she works so hard, so this morning I got up early and went to the court house got the tags, then got the car inspected,all before 9:00 am. So now I would not have to worry about it until next year. I really don't mind if I have it because Tnoya is a very wonderful,hard working young lady and I am proud to have her as my daughter and what mother would not do for their child. I would give my life for both of my girls....

I am indeed Blessed!!!!

"Little Mouth"

2007-07-03T17:33:00.000-07:00

Today was a long and strange day. I had to use my lunch hour to give my husband the car and of cause it took my whole lunch hour to do it. ....bummer! It got worst, at the end of the day when the parents came to get their little "angels" I had one who told his mom the "teacher hit me" of cause I was shocked, surprised and mad. Of cause you see the belief in the mother's eyes but it was not so. I then begun to see how something is said and your whole thoughts, moods, emotions changes. Why would I hit someone's child, Of cause he does not use the right words to say what he means. To know that one word, statement can change a person's relationship, job and even a person life. It is not a nice feeling. To be accused of something that is not so can be devastating. The world has changed so much and a mis-placed word can start wars!

" Be careful little mouth what you say"

The Horn

2007-07-01T21:35:00.000-07:00

Got my a/c fixed on Saturday and it was a blessing. As I went with my friend to the hardware store to get the much need part, we heard the horn go off at our nearby plant. I live in an area surrounded by industrial plants and every Saturday at noon, they sound a horn to say all is well ( I guess). This caused me to think, what if some disaster happened on Saturday around noon and the horn sounded as a warning, I would not even think there is trouble, I would not run for cover, hide in place, protect my family. It has become such a habit to expect the horn that it would be a normal Saturday sound.
Does it not remind you how we just make things so common to our daily lives that warning horns no longer causes us to stop and wonder.

Lazy but nice

2007-06-29T15:43:00.000-07:00

Today I did nothing. I did not have to work ( yeah, not screaming kids) I slept in late, went to a movie, got fast food and even the hot house ( still no a/c)and rain did not damper my spirits...... God is good!

How can I be of help?

2007-06-28T18:07:00.000-07:00

I had it all plan on what I was going to write about tonight, complain about something with no value but then I read my best friend's blog and realize how trivial my problems are. You see, Cassie, she lost her 20 year old son about 3 weeks ago, found him dead in their pool and as I watch her take charge in making atrrangements, thanking everyone, speaking at Nathan's memorial I can only watch in amazement of how she kept herself so strong and together. This was a woman who was not sure what she wanted to do with her profession, how to juggle her home, family and money but there she was "In Charge". She has made me see her in a different light and I would forever remember her strength. Now I see her after all is over, a mother, in pain and heart broken over the lost of her child. She cries, there is a void but she knows he will never return. What do I say, what do I do. I know she has faith, I saw it, I know she has hope, she spoke it. It is so hard when you are trying to find the right words, I guess all I can do is pray and be there for her.... what little comfort.

Don't sweat the small stuff........I am !

2007-06-27T18:36:00.000-07:00

This is my 3rd night without a/c. We are still waiting for "the man" to come and fix it but until then eating ice and cold showers will have to do. I really can't remember when it was so hot and I was so uncomfortable which goes to show that we take the daily things in our lives for granted. I know there is a life lesson in this and maybe it is to appreciate the small things in life and having a friend who knows how to fix an aircondition!!!!

"Clicks"

2007-06-26T18:04:00.000-07:00

Today as I sat and watch the twelve 3 year olds play, I realized that even they have their own little world. The "clicks" have already formed, the divas who must have their way or else they are not playing, crying when their dresses are dirty and of cause must have their shades at all times. Then there are the thugs who bully the gym and the sleeping cots, there are the jocks that can complete any tasks given as long as it is physical and of cause the quiet, smart ones who sometimes are never notice. It is amazing that they start so young. There are fights, trades, negotiations, underhanding....worst than Wall St. but once you get them all covered in their Barney, Sponge Bob blankets and are all are asleep, how innocent are their faces, after all they are angels.

Can I just reach home!!

2007-06-25T20:10:00.000-07:00

We had rain AGAIN. That's not too bad but when you have twelve 3 yr olds have to walk in the biggest puddles of water and complete their jumping jacks before moving on....WHY?. Have you ever had a day when you just wanted to get home and even though you drive the same direction every day, today just felt as if I would never reach. Maybe tomorrow will be better

Even Me

2007-06-24T19:57:00.000-07:00

I am not sure why I have started but it feels nice.